After weeks of looking, I found the right one. Meet my shiny new friend, the 700c Draft, bluish gray, 27 pounds. A bit retro, too: it has a grand total of one speed. After swapping the straight handlebars for curved ones, it'll be perfect.
And I just love the description over at Bike Emory: "Who Rides a Draft? You appreciate simplicity in your life and have an eye for smooth lines and aesthetics." Yup, they got me. Spot on.